I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
