My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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