Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
