Having a random hookup so left but love u
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
