party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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