Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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