Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
