then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
