Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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