upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
