he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
