I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
