: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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