There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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