She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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