That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
