i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
