Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
