You're so nebulous sometimes
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I see more hoeing in ur future
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