Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
