life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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