so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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