This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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