my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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