Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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