sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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