I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
