So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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