im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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