We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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