Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
