I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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