I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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