i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
