he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
