Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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