So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
