How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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