Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
