Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
