i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize