this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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