the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
