Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
