Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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