we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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