remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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