i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize