I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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