So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
