She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
