Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
