Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
