Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
