3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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