What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
