i would punch a child for taco bell
are you so shy because you have an std?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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